Whatever you think of Metro, or the company that puts it out, you have to admire this headline. It was probably put on the page with a snigger and very little hope it would ever make it to print. Yet it did, and it could only have been improved if they’d switched phew phew for poo poo.

The story is quite alarming. Apparently GNER’s swish tiling trains regularly spray their tanks full of human excrement into the air whenever they go around a corner or slam on the breaks which, if you’re a trackman working on the line, means you’re in for a less-than-savoury exfoliating mud-bath every time an InterShitty flies by.

GNER’s advice to said workers? Turn your back whenever a train goes past.

Yeah. Right. Because as long as it doesn’t get in your eyes nobody minds spending a whole working day with their backs and hair covered in piss and shit soup.

1. Seville
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